I always thought of myself as a logical and reasonable man. A man who worked hard, a provider, a stable rock of support for others, and I always took pride in trying to make the best choices I could. But whenever my partner asked to sit down and talk about something difficult — money, intimacy, or responsibilities — my chest would tighten. It would burn bright like E.T. Luckily, the inferno wasn’t visible, exposing my growing fear and paralysis of having done something wrong. Before I could even take a beat, it started to happen: my voice would rise, my words would sharpen, and the conversation would spiral into an argument. Just like that, as if I had to defend myself for being some horrible person. Of course, that was never even an issue, but, oh, did it ever feel like it! I’d tell myself I was “just being rational,” defending my perspective, as if it were the only one. But beneath the surface, something deeper was driving me, and I wouldn’t even think to acknowledge it: it was fear of being judged, fear of not being enough, fear of failing the people I loved.

Eventually, I learned to listen. And came to an even deeper understanding. We like to think our behaviors are shaped by logic and choice. We tell ourselves we’re acting on what’s smart, strategic, or reasonable. Yet more often than not, our actions are powered by something far less visible. It’s not calculated spreadsheets, immaculate presentations, or pros-and-cons lists that run the show — it’s emotion.

Take, for instance, the way we sometimes avoid any of life’s amazing opportunities. On paper, there may be no real barrier or limitation. We could take the job, pitch the idea, or head up the project. But deep down, something tugs at us, distracting us from what we can do, to what would happen if we can’t. We may feel unworthy, afraid, or unsure. Something triggers that doubt or fear. And so we quietly step back, telling ourselves it “wasn’t the right fit,” or “it’s just not the right time.” Well, that’s not logic. That’s not failure. That’s emotion, and it is steering our behaviors.

Emotions are the fuel source behind almost every action we take, good or bad. Emotions are like our internal messengers. When we feel safe, we lean in, open up, and connect. When we feel threatened, we retreat, shut down, or fight back. When we feel rejected, we might lash out, withdraw, or overachieve (or worse, manipulate) our way back into acceptance. The irony is that most of us were never taught to listen to these messages. Instead, we learned to suppress them: “be strong,” “shake it off,” “don’t be so sensitive.” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been reminded, “Don’t overthink it!” Those three words are like nails on a chalkboard for me.

But emotions don’t disappear when they are ignored. They resurface later on in other ways. They may show up through our habits, our tone of voice, our addictions, our perfectionism, or in our use of our words or silence. Unattended to or dismissed emotions resurrect as maladaptive behaviors. That’s why our behaviors aren’t random. They are patterned. And those patterns are almost always emotional.

So what can you do if you want to break free? Don’t just double down on discipline, motivation to change, or some new-fangled hack. Begin with curiosity. Begin within yourself first. Ask yourself:

What am I feeling underneath this reaction?

If the reaction is one based on defending yourself, for example, ask yourself what other reactions you would utilize if defensiveness weren’t an option for you.

What emotion is asking to be acknowledged right now? 

Take a brief inventory of the emotions you are experiencing in yourself at that moment. This is going to be difficult if you are a person who struggles to identify your feelings, but as Dr. Dan Siegel famously said, “Name it to tame it.” Hint: pull up a feelings wheel if you can, and select that which feels most accurate. https://feelingswheel.com/

Am I trying to control the outside world because I don’t feel in control inside? 

Is there something you do to regain control when you feel like you are out of control? As an example, sometimes, when I feel like my work is messy, I will clean my office because if I have a clean workspace, then I feel like I am in control of everything else.

The goal isn’t to eliminate our emotions — it’s to integrate them. When we become emotionally aware, we become more behaviorally free. When we are more behaviorally free, we reduce the potential to feel regret, guilt, or shame for our behaviors after we have deployed them. How many times have you found yourself wishing you could take back some of the things you said to a person after arguing with them? When we can free ourselves of maladaptive behaviors, we can start responding not from fear or habit, but from intention, clarity, and truth.

At the end of the day, we don’t just want “better behaviors”; We want better connection, better peace, better self-trust. And those begin with turning toward the very emotions we’ve been running from. Emotion isn’t weakness. It’s data. It’s direction. And when honored, it becomes a guide rather than a burden.

For a man such as myself, who once bristled defensively at every tough conversation, this shift was life-changing. I’ve never felt more confident in saying that I can now have a safe and productive disagreement or difficult conversation with a person without it having to result in a fight, and boy, does that feel good! So, instead of ending each discussion in a fight where I felt I had to defend myself against something that wasn’t even there in the first place, I can save my energy and resources for battles and problem-solving needs that actually matter. I learned to pause, notice the fear beneath my defensiveness, and share it honestly and productively. Now, I strive to communicate with openness and productivity, no longer chained by the need to defend myself, but guided by the freedom to truly connect.

Disclaimer: The content you have just read is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical or psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the guidance of a qualified healthcare provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical or mental health condition. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is or may be purely coincidental.

If you are interested in exploring unhelpful behaviors, automatic negative beliefs, or adopted patterns that keep you feeling stuck. Reach out for a free 15-minute consultation. 

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